The Life and Times of the Curious Cockroach

Angry Letter to Mayor of Brussels
Written: February 1st, 2009 at 3:34am
Reason for being written: tripping over cobblestone 17th time since arrival in Brussels
Intended to be sent: February 2nd, 2009 at 9:00am
Reason for not being sent: had second thoughts when read it sober next morning

Dear Sir,

We hope this letter finds you well. We understand you have been keeping busy this month, dealing with the dairy farmers’ strike and all. We imagine it isn’t easy concentrating on your work as Mayor of Brussels, what with the tractors circulating around city hall with life-size plastic cows taped to them. We would hand-deliver this letter to you, but fear that we would become one of those unfortunate souls we read about in the papers, who get drenched in sour milk and are forced to endure the running commentary emanating from inside the cows.

Today we have an equally pressing matter to bring to your attention: it is that your entire city is paved with cobblestones. Now now, we understand that tourists love that “old” look. In fact, we were just as charmed by the stones when we arrived in Brussels five months ago. After numerous incidents, however, we regret to inform you that cobblestones are:

1) a menace to public health,

2) an impediment to a lady’s dignity, and

3) dare we say, a matter of national security.

Public health. Allow us to tell you the story of a fellow exchange student named Harry. Last week Harry had been walking beside his new female acquaintance, trying hard to woo her with some new expressions he had just learned in French class. He had always been diligent about watching his step, but at that moment—as I’m sure we can all understand—rogue cobblestones were the furthest thing from his mind. The result, Mr. Mayor, was a trip, a fall, and a head concussion. We won’t even begin to describe the psychological troubles that followed.

A lady’s dignity. As you may have noticed, undesirable substances such as mud and rainwater  tend to accumulate under loose cobblestones. These substances sit there, in the cobblestone cavity, mixing, mingling, brewing into a swampy consistency, until a pedestrian steps on the cobblestone, and—SPLAT!—the entire ecosystem (frogs and leaches included) is unleashed  right onto her favourite stockings. Mr Mayor, it is already very difficult for outsiders to keep up with European style and elegance. Loose cobblestones make the task all the more daunting.

National security. Last week, we witnessed two tourists giddily taking pictures of cobblestones when one of them unearthed a stone and plunked it inside her handbag. We overheard her saying: “Oh, George will just die when he sees what I’ve brought back for him. He’s got a whole collection of these things from all of the European countries, displayed on our mantelpiece!” Mr Mayor, it seems you have foreigners running around the city armed with four-kilogram stones. Who knows what they might do with them, in a fit of rage?

We trust you will find a suitable (and, dare we say, sustainable) solution to this problem. Repaving the entire city is most likely the best one.

We have cc’d the Brussels Exchange Students’ Union as well as the Brussels Microscope.

Thanking you in anticipation of a reply,
The Curious Cockroach and like-minded friends

Uneven Cobblestones http://piedolatrie.com/?paged=2